Life.......
05.29.08 (9:41 pm) [edit]Pastor Dave had posted a great blog on the movie signs the other day and it got me thinking about everything happening in my life ... i started to thinking about my current situation.... it's not that i am not grateful for everything... it's just that i feel like i am not living up to my potential .. then i start to think about how things have changed since end of Feb. If you had told me i would be in my current situation, i would have never believed you ... i would have laughed in your face and said YEAH RIGHT... but here i am... meeting potential husbands, looking for a new job.... i loved my job before i guess that was before i started to see people's true colors... now everyone questions me on being extremely quite at work.. and i usually say i am busy or not feeling well... i have learned to keep my mouth shut .. at least most of the time... now it's like i can't sit there and get through the day.... i never thought i would put my self up on a matrimonial website to find someone but here i am doing just that.... yes, the first guy talked to on there didnt work out ..but i am giving up hope.. talking to someone else now and he seems like a nice guy .. but i am staying grounded this time around... taking it nice and slow... back to experiences and signs ... it's funny how things happen and we refuse to see them as signs because of the way society is these days... Karma - my favorite word... what you do to others will be done to you by someone else... it's soo true... if you show someone kindness in their time of need... a shoulder will be there for you to cry on when you need it the most.. sometimes we touch people's lives and don't even know it. Sometimes a kind act towards someone could make their day better ... i know i appreciate it when someone holds the door open for me when they are leaving and i am entering .. its little acts like that, that make the world a better place...
choices ...
05.26.08 (9:53 pm) [edit]every relationship has its up and down... and its issue.. no one is perfect .. every one has faults... being able to deal with some and not others... comprise .. giving a lil and taking a lil .. is what makes a relationship work.. or so i have heard...
But how do u know... that this is it?? that you are willing to deal with w/ life throws at you .. as a couple...
choices ...
05.26.08 (9:03 pm) [edit]every relationship has its up and down... and its issue.. no one is perfect .. every one has faults... being able to deal with some and not others... comprise .. giving a lil and taking a lil .. is what makes a relationship work.. or so i have heard...
But how do u know... that this is it?? that you are willing to deal with w/ life throws at you .. as a couple...
One of those days
05.23.08 (5:13 pm) [edit]Ever have a day where everything goes wrong?? i am having one of them... started out w/ that guy txting me after i asked him not to contact me any more... than the screw in my dresser drawer came out..so i am trying to fix it and get ready for work... i barely make it to work on time... then a client decides to show up 30 mins early for an apt and catches me in the midst of my breakfast.. so by the time i get back to it ..its cold and nasty... if things couldnt worse.. damn sinus kicked in and aggravated my tooth so now my tooth is throbbing .. and now the icing.... i get an email from a guy saying he sees right through me and i am a gold digger... get this .. b/c i put i dont like cheap guys.. WTF is wrong w/ ppl.. i think he is more pissed b/c i wasn't paying him much mind yesterday and kinda left him hanging ... whatever .. its amazing how retard these ppl are... i cant see to understand why i cant just meet a guy who isnt obsessive / possessive or just a wack job ...lol.. i dunno i am learning that indian men have a category of their own ....... i think i just may have to convince my parents to let me marry out side the race...... i have yet to find a decent guy.....
now dont get me wrong.. i kno everyone makes mistakes and has their faults.... i guess it comes down to what i am willing to tolerate and what i am not....
anywho i am done ranting and raving.....
Tbucks
05.21.08 (10:36 pm) [edit]so i have purchased couple of items w/ my tbucks but how do i add them to my profile???
lesson learned
05.19.08 (10:10 pm) [edit]So... the guy i was talking to is no longer in the picture... this shows 2 things.. 1) i have learned from my previous experiences/relationships and was able to identify certain qualities that would cause issues later down the road and being able to nip it in the butt be4 it actually became something.. 2) i have learned not to jump into anything or get caught up in the notions to a point i forget to stay grounded.. i feel bad that i caught up and sorta lead him on .. but at the same time he was caught w/ me and after i realized i wasnt sure about all this... again.. lesson learned.. time to move on...
"Dr Ruth"
05.16.08 (9:05 pm) [edit]I havnt had a talk w/ dr. Ruth for a while.. so i finally got a chance to express my concerns and throw around some idea to my "Dr. Ruth" (i kno the REAL Dr. Ruth is a female ... but my "Dr. Ruth" is a male..lol) He did put a quite a spin on my thoughts.. yes, he is a bit bias b/c he wants me to end up w/ the best.. but again talking to him was like having a reality check.. not that i needed 2 in one week.. but sometimes its nice to have twice in one week.. i wanted his thoughts on current situations.. and boy did he give them to me..lol.. i love my grls.. and i respect their advice but i also like to get a guys perspective on whats going on to make sure i am not over reacting .. turns out everyone has pretty much the same thing to say ... GIVING ME A REALITY CHECK!! Thank you guys.. i love you for that .. i truly do .... So here is my question for you guys... how do u know if you like the person or the idea of a person?? how can you tell if your caught of in image or the idea rather than the actual person at hand?? The more i debate it the more i realize i am a shallow person and that it may be the idea i am running after... if you had asked me a month ago .. i would have said its the person..but lately.. due to recent events, i am leaning more towards the idea... i think when someone/ something comes along we get excited and go with it... when reality sets in ..we kick ourselves in the butt for getting caught up..... for example.. this guy i am talking to .. i was all about him then he blew up at me for sending a card to him.. after that .. it was like are you for real?? and right than the lil bubble i was living in popped.. and reality set in... that hello.. this is a "phone buddy" thats it .. and if he can yell at you for sending a card.. what else is he gonna yell at you for ?? i guess his sis in law was right when she said .. oh u have good intentions but it may back fire... i guess she was on the money on that one.. it did back fire.. and now i am wondering if it was a smart moving giving him another shot.... and now i am gonna take "Dr Ruth's" advice ... Get this .. the owners of my company is actually setting some one up so she can screw up and they can fire her.. how wrong is that?? makes me wonder if they gonna do that to me next.. since they already think i am gonna leave b/c of my non-existence wedding that is supposedly come up.... what makes me think i may be next is the fact my boss pulled me into his office yesterday and was like i was annoyed at you b/c u made a mistake .. first of all it's wasnt truly my fault.. if you look at it from a logical perspective it was his wife's fault b/c she wrote the policy not me.. but i guess he cant blame her since he sleeps w/ her.. anyways.. like they say .. tomorrow's another day and the sun will shine .. til then.. take care
reality sets in
05.11.08 (9:53 pm) [edit]so my weekend wake did the trick it was suppose.. put everything in perspective didn't realize how much i needed it until i was actually there ..its nice to have a weekend w/ no obligations, responsibilities and commitment ... just be.. its a wonderful feeling i would recommend ppl take one weekend every or every other month ..to just be..... its really good for u .. the stress level comes down, things become clear.... you sorta have an idea what u should do ..when ur confused....... it took a lot of idea tossing to get things in perspective ... but i am happy i did... now i am walking around on a cloud.. i am walking on the ground... and i am jumping w/ my eyes open.... sometimes its a good thing to jump w/ ur eyes open.. this way when come thing goes wrong u kno where it came from.... my suggestion......everyone run away frm everyone and everything for a day or two...
confused..torn
05.08.08 (11:02 pm) [edit]Ok so the more i think about things and the more i talk to people the more confused and torn i feel... mostly about this guy...... like poopotpie said in her comment.. we are "phone buddies" ... we talk all every chance we get....but thats it... thats all we do is talk.... i know it's only been a month since i started talking to him.. and yeah we are in two different states... and obviously thats why we are phone buddies.. we were suppose to meet up and things didnt work out so now i am not sure when i am going to meet him.. apart of me wants to meet him and get it over w/ b/c i dont know what to expect or if it would change my feelings... i enjoy talking to him now..but who knows what will happen once we spend time together... it could be great or i could be completely turned off by him...i would like to get past this so i know if i am wasting my time.. actually i should say we.. b/c u know what i am not perfect and he could not like me... it's easy to promise the world when its all talk.. but what happens when reality sets in and u spend time together.. that in its self is a different ball game.. sometimes he makes comments and i wonder.. how is this possible..how can u say u feel such a way..we havent met yet.. sometimes i think it's b/c he is just caught up in the notions of meeting someone.... ok let me give u a quick round down..... ok like i mentioned in my previous posts.. i am indian. in our culture we get married fairly early in life.. usually mid to late twenties.. i am 25.. my parents are starting to discuss marriage and have told several family members to keep their eyes open for any potentials.. i was told about several guys but none of them made it past my parents requirements.. i am sorta having an arranged marriage if you havent figured it out.. at the end of the day the choice is mine and mine alone as to who i marry.. it's more or less like a dating service through ur parents... so back to what i was saying.. so i am kinda torn between the reality and the what ifs... like how do i know what he is saying is the truth ?? i dont i have to trust that it is and move forward.. sometimes its not so easy.. i am not one for long distance relationship but you know what .. if i were to meet someone through family .. distance would be a constant factor... so i need to work past that and hope what he is saying is what he is feeling and not crap .. i dunno the more i think about all this the more i wonder if its an illusion of feelings... can u feel so strongly for someone you dont really know.. ??? i have been told stay grounded but its hard b/c its like what do i do. i like him but i cant get caught up in the notions.. i am lost .....
Over reacting????
05.08.08 (9:06 pm) [edit]hey .. so yesterday i had drama... and today its alot better.. things are better.. i guess i needed to get over the argument ... so let me tell u about the argument ... on my way home from work yesterday, i am talking to him and we got into an argument b/c i mentioned i sent him something... this boy blew up at me like it was no body's business.. he was shouting at me and for what ever reason, i started to cry.. when i got home i got off the phone and got in the house and had a snack be4 i ate.. i txted him apologizing b/c my intentions were to upset him..it was to put a smile on his face.. had i known this would have happend i wouldnt have sent it.. and then i told him not worry abt it b/c i wont be sending him something ever again... (we are both indian and i come from a stricter family than he does .. mind u the whole time he talks abt how his parents are open and what not... hey i am not stupid i know i cant send him something that would have his parents wondering whats up) so anyway.. after i ate i called him back .. he apologized for yelling at me.. but at this point i was soo upset i was crying...(normally i wouldnt cry.. i would fight back and argue and get mad.. i am not the one to cry ) so now he feels like shit..he apologizes and explains to me that he over reacted and shouldnt have blown up at me ... and so forth.. we got off the phone.. i txted him later on and told him to lose my # b/c i dont wanna talk to him anymore .. so then we are on the phone again .. talking abt stuff.. he felt shit ..or atleast he sounded like he felt that way ... so we talk abt it.. and i am not really sure at this point if i want to continue to get to know him.. i have been burned be4 and really don't feel like getting burned again... so i told him i need some time to think about it.. turns out he blew up at me b/c he was mad at his mom.. we talked things out but i still wasnt too sure abt what i wanted to do .. so i kept talking to him last nite and today but kept my distance.. after few emails back and forth w. one of my best friends.. i was advised i need to put this past me ... the more i thought about it the more i realized maybe we both over reacted.. him on his part and me by telling him i no longer wanted to talk to him... he does make me laugh.. and i know he feels the same way i do.. i guess sometimes u need to pick ur battles.. and this is not one i want to throw away something good for.. so today we worked out our issue and we are better.. so this was what happened yesterday..... i am actually going away this weekend to think about things... him and work.. oh as far as work goes... i am looking for another job.. applied to couple of places.. lets see what happens...
Everyone is jumping the gun
05.06.08 (9:34 pm) [edit]
hey guys.. aite so as you know i started talking to this guy and i thought things were moving a little to fast for me.. well i am becoming comfortable with the amount of talking we do through out the day.. i dont feel like i am being smothered ... which is good.. but it seems like he is jumping the gun.. i wouldnt care if we both were jumping the gun..but it seems like everyone else is too.. they forget that i only know him for a month and we are just talking.. we havent even gone out on a date as he lives in the mid west and i am in NJ....
it seems that everyone is so caught up that they forget this.. i feel like i am the only one constantly reminding myself to stay grounded.. -- with the exception of a few good friends who tell me to take my time and not rush it... and also tell me to stay grounded...
i know he makes me happy so far and i would like to think i make him happy but at the same time .. we dont really know each other .. i tried to get out of him his past relationships ..but it didnt really work ..b/c i didnt have his full attention .. .. so i dropped the topic..
i dunno... i feel like i am standing still and everything /everyone is going about their business and mine... but i am stuck... i am not ready to let myself get lost in this relationship ..or to be relationship until i know what i am dealing with ...
i admit ... i like him but can u really like someone with out knowing them all that well? i have some trust issues and i cant let my guard down...
so i decided i am going to escape for the weekend to a friends house and get away frm my family and phone... so i told him i going down to see my friend and that i wont really talk to him.. he got all sad cuz i wouldnt be really talking to him... i felt bad so i said fine u can call.. dont get me wrong.. i know i am gonna miss talkin to him.. but i think i need some time to myself to figure out things.. really to just step back and think.. about him and this job situation...
another thing that kinda has been bothering me is that i was talking to his sis-in-law and turns out i was vaguely mentioned ... but yet when i talk to him ... he is talking abt us ending up together... is there something i am missing?? u guys have any advice??? i was a little annoyed when i found that out.. i felt like maybe i am be setting myself up to get hurt again.. i dunnoo.. any thoughts?????????
this got really long ..really fast so let me go... leave ur thoughts
confused
05.02.08 (6:59 pm) [edit]ok so a lot has been going on w/ me lately and i am not sure how i need to handle certain things. first i feel like i am being discriminated at work, my boss is aware that in my culture (im indian) you get married by your mid twenties. So the other day my manager tells me i will be getting more responsibilities in the afternoon, the next day my boss pulls me in and says i know ur gonna get maried and leave soon so i am going to tell the other owners so they dont increase ur responsibilities .. HERES THE THING I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED FOR 2 MORE YEARS.... I AM NOT EVEN ENGAGED AT THIS POINT..HELL I DONT HAVE A BF .. i am simply talking to someone.. but it gets blown out to be a big thing when it really isnt .. yes, in my culture we get married in our twenties and yes i plan on getting married at 27 .. but just b/c i plan on it doesnt mean its going to happen with out a doubt a matter of fact deal ..just cuz u want something to happen doesnt mean its going to happen .. anyways so after that comment was made i emailed my grl friends and they told me to quit this job asap and to file a compliant w/ civil rights .. i tell my dad and he goes, stay there for now cuz u are going eventually leave annyways and that its the nature of the beast.. it happens every where .. so i am torn as to what to do.. my next issue .. is me telling my parents abt this guy ..lol.. dating isnt something that takes places in our culture..its frowned upon .. this guy sent me flowers ..i brought them home and i know my parents are going to ask where i got them frm.. i dont like lying to them.. so i am debating what to tell them.. the truth? or the flowers are frm a client ? i am leaning more an d more on the truth side as i am sure my parents already know something is up due to the change in my behavior ..im always smiling and a happier person.. plus they noticed im on the phone more and txting alot .. they arent idiots and they were once our age as well... my dad hates it when u lie to him... so why lie and piss him off when he may already have a clue something is up.. why not just say i am talking to someone .. you know.. be upfront and honest... the counter side is that ..in my sisters words.. they will rush u into marriage.. or constantly wonder if ur with him and lying to them by saying your w. friends.. i was like i am telling them i am talking to someone not that i found the one.. i dunno ..i have too much to deal with right now.. and i am not very happy.. it sucks.